Amma : A beautiful memory ❤️

Journey without Amma.

I am writing this with a heavy heart, held up breath and teared up eyes. Losing a parent is so strange because you go through the rest of your life not being able to see or talk to them ever again, but you still feel like you will. Once in a while, it all just hits you that they are literally never coming back and then you feel the feeling of losing them all over again. Here, I wanted to open up to you all about something that is very personal. For any of you who’ve lost a parent, you know the feeling of having your whole world turned upside down. I lost my dear mother due to cancer. After being diagnosed with cancer, she fought and survived for three years. It was not easy for her neither for us, it was never easy!

I was faced with the most difficult, need to mourn the loss of this significant person in my life. Seeing my father alone and mourning losing his favourite person on earth before us. Hers was tough love towards us, her children, but she was our backbone. We couldn’t imagine a day without her in our lives. Those special memories of her will always bring a smile, if only I could have her back for just a little while she has always meant so very much to us and will always do. Mourning gave me quick relief from the tensions, in the long run I got used to it. It is an open expression of ones thoughts and feelings about the death which is an essential part of healing.

Compared to many people, I’m truly blessed to have gotten twenty-one years with the woman who was not just my mother, but also my mentor who shaped me and made me who I am. Still, I was totally unprepared for what I imagine is a common aspect of grief, especially for someone navigating their twenties. That’s what losing a parent in your twenties feels like.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, after you lose a parent, you will feel like a helpless child crying for their parent to come and console them. Despite how much of an independent adult you are, when you lose your parent at a younger age, it tends to bring out the child in all of us and awaken our fears that maybe we aren’t as grown up as we think, and maybe we still need our parent, perhaps even now more than ever. It hurts to say it, sometimes you behave like a child, sometimes like a very matured adult or sometimes very confused and anxious how to react. I think I was dealing with so called depression. The worst part was, dealing with emotional breakdowns. It took me over two years to overcome this situation. It’s truly an odd feeling ! There are times when people around or even your closed ones don’t understand why you suddenly behave differently. Confused about every situations, unable to make wise decisions, trying to be isolated and later explaining ourselves to others for acceptance. A part of me still yearn for those simple days of childhood when everything felt safe and easy, all while another part of me suddenly viewed my age as a time-marker that was continuously ticking and reminding me of the time I’m losing in life. I know these thoughts may seem silly, but they were real, and ones I wasn’t expecting to have.

Every day passing by, more you grow and flourish as an individual, the more you are able to show the world the amazing impact this person had on you and how their lessons and wisdom did not go to waste during their time on Earth. A parent’s child/children will always be their greatest legacy that they leave behind, which is why making the painful choice to go forward in life is the greatest gift you can still give them. You were always your own, unique person with individual thoughts and feelings, and that’s exactly how they wanted you to be.

There is no easy way to get through this part of grief, and my heart goes out to you if you are experiencing it now. Even though, we have lost our loved one physically; their love, support and blessings still dwell in us. I know she’s with me. Its perfectly normal to miss them. Time will definitely heal things, be kind to yourself, give yourself time and stay positive. And you’ll be able to look back on this time and realize that this grief which made you question everything about life can also help you find your purpose especially in your 20’s. Trust me, it gets better. Don’t give up. There are lots of road to be taken in our life journey. Accept and move forward.

PS : I want to personally thank my dear ones (family and friends) who stood by me through difficult situations. Your support was immense. Thankyou for understanding me and dealing with me then.

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